The Other Side of Life...

Susan & her sister Mo

Over a year ago my step-mom was diagnosed with a GBM-4 brain tumor in its most advanced stage.  We were given a "time frame" of what we could expect and wholeheartedly pursued treatment and recovery with the highest hopes but also with realistic expectations.  Following surgery, rehab, therapy, and multiple chemo/radiation treatments we were struggling to feel optimistic about a better outcome.  Her doctors consulted with Duke University and they decided on a different method of treatment. After the first two treatments there was noticeable improvement in her speech and stability but by the 3rd treatment those improvements had plateaued.  

She and my dad had planned a trip to Florida/Alabama to visit with family and life-long friends and were able to stay for an extended visit. Upon returning things began to change.  She lost her appetite, became lethargic, and began to refuse medications.  After about a week, she was spending the majority of her day in bed, had extreme right-sided weakness, and was only managing to take sips of liquids and a few bites of soft food.  This went on for about a week, Hospice was brought in, and the family was prepared to expect a very limited amount of time with her.  

Her brother and sister were able to come and visit with her over this past weekend and during that time she seemed to become a little more stable. She was able to spend time in her recliner with us in the living room but was asleep for 95% of the time.  At this time, she is unable to walk, has very little intake of foods or liquids, and has extreme difficulty communicating.  

Susan's high school friends

I write all of this because I've realized there is a very distinct difference between death and dying. Before all of this, I don't think I would have felt it so intensely but it has been a concept that I've had to deal with over the last week.  Death is a place, a very final destination...Dying is an action, a process.

This process is something that I've not been very confident about...questioning what I would want (not that I have any control over it anyways).  Sitting and watching someone go through this, waiting for that moment when there isn't another breath, it's mind-numbing and contradictory.  She made it clear very early on that the quality of her life was more important than the length of it, and if it came to the point where she wasn't able to live the life she wanted, she was prepared to leave it behind.  Knowing her, you understand that about her. What's hard is watching her endure this part of the process, wishing she didn't have to continue, wanting it to go quickly and painlessly because you know this isn't the way she wanted things to be.  

And then you stop... you think about that moment, knowing that when it happens you can't go back and change it.  This one thought has made me very intentional in my interactions with her.  We hold her hand, tell her we love her, we try to comfort her and keep her comfortable, and we hope that we're able to meet her needs even though she can't express them.  Sometimes those frustrations are very evident in her face, in her sighs, or even in the few words she does manage to speak...THAT is what hurts; not really knowing what to do for her.

Susan & my Dad

So what do you do? There's not enough knowledge inside of someone to inherently understand or handle death.  This is where my faith, believing that there is a God much bigger and more knowledgeable, takes over.  People live out their faith in different ways. Some are very outspoken, speaking their minds and sharing their beliefs.  Others are more quiet, living life and believing their faith will speak for itself; this is how I would characterize my faith. Having someone to lean on in the tough times makes them more bearable.  How much more comforting is it to know that the God of the universe is intently watching, walking with us (carrying us when we can't), sharing our tears, and holding outstretched arms when we need more than His hand.  

I write these words more out of necessity for my own comfort but I hope that you, whoever you are, know this same God...the One who made you, knows you, and loves you.  We all have to face the tough times, sometimes with others, sometimes on our own, but never alone. NEVER alone.  If you need encouragement, prayer, or even just a listening ear... I am here

Patience & Perseverance

Aunt, Grandmother, & Dad on her 100th Birthday!

Meemaw and me :) May 26, 2012

100...Years...Old!!! I was privileged enough to celebrate my grandmother's 100th birthday last weekend and it definitely got me thinking. Quite honestly, I can't even imagine being in her shoes.  She's been on this planet long enough to see the invention of cars, landing on the moon, the civil rights movement, etc. etc. etc. It seems to be almost unthinkable that one life could have spanned so many inventions...creations.  To watch this world change in so many amazing ways and know that you've been here to see it all; it's just such a compliment to the life she has lived.


It's taken me a few months to get back here, to a place where I could put my thoughts down for others to read.  I've kept my own daily journal but letting others see into that private part of me is still difficult at times and I've shied away from it.  Heather and I have still been working at the walking and trekking.  The last two weeks have been less consistent as we're both teachers and between SOL testing, packing up, and moving... those late nights at work tend to come more often than they were. I'm looking forward to the next two weeks though. Our routine gets back on track and we make our summer plan for 'intensifying' our work outs.


Part of what's held me back has been that continued foot problem.  After seeing my doctor this week she was happy that I hadn't gained weight but without the weight loss we were hoping for she suggested stepping up the effort and doing more. I told her I want to ... HAVE wanted to but it's been an obstacle. We decided to do some x-rays and I'll be going for that this week (Here's hoping we either find out what's wrong or it's no longer an issue). With the knowledge that I'm signed up for a 10k in October, get to meet some important people in November, and working towards a half marathon next March...I've got some work to do!


There's a lot on my mind and I'm hoping to share more of that in the next few weeks. The one thing that's getting me through this week though is that I'm going to DC to see the NY Mets play the DC Nationals. Baseball is my favorite past time and they are my team! Ask anyone... I bleed orange and blue :)

Unsettle Me

Here's my training ground... It's a 1.5 mile running trail around the lake.  Love it!

I feel like I could sit and write...and write...and write about all the things I'm learning, feeling, or just thinking!  This is an unusual transformation that's taking place b/c I sincerely feel it happening from the inside-out.  No matter your faith or views, I think we can agree that sometimes we have a 'heart' response to a 'physical' need. It's been a long time coming for me.  This weekend I spent a good amount of time reading through old journals that had been tucked away and forgotten.  It hit me hard... the theme throughout all of those entries was wanting to be different, wanting to lose weight, desiring a change.  *crickets chirping*   It had never happened until now.  It was also somewhat disheartening to read through each page and realize that this battle has been raging for well over 10 years.  This kinda sealed the deal for me... I didn't want to fill pages of another journal just wishing that I had followed through or done something about it.  This time around I'm committed to making something happen!

One of the biggest blessings I've been given is a coworker/new friend who is a runner.  Not just a runner but a woman who has successfully overcome her own struggles with weight and is a multi-marathoner.  She and I have been able to start a coach/trainee relationship but truthfully it's become an even stronger friendship.  I thank God for Heather and her commitment to making my journey a success.  (pics to come soon)  One of the things she helped me with was getting a new pair of shoes, courtesy of a foot analysis at Running Etc.  If you've never gone to a running store, YOU SHOULD! The wealth of information and knowledge they have is astounding and you walk away with the most comfortable pair of running/walking shoes you'll ever own...just saying :)  

In wanting to support and encourage my own journey, I've found it necessary to 'resource' myself.  I've just finished up my 90 day devotional: God Chicks by Holly Wagner ( http://www.godchicks.com/ ) and am now ready to start Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst ( http://lysaterkeurst.com/ ).  She wasn't an author I was familiar with until I had read an online review and found that she had also created a book that addresses my 'cravings'... as a woman and as a believer.    It's one I've been very anxious to begin and considering today's message (first day), this is a divinely chosen book for my time.

Unsettle me.

That is where I've got to start! I've been too settled, too content, not bothered enough to be concerned for my own health or the growth of my relationship with God.  It's easy to make excuses..we ALL do it...not enough hours in the day, not enough sleep, etc. I found that idle time was plentiful but what I chose to do with it wasn't productive.

My heart has needed unsettling too.  There's a lot behind the justification of being overweight.  There are tons of examples I can recount from childhood; who's done me wrong, what didn't go right, all the hurts and all the people... and where does that leave me? Still overweight...fat...and unhappy.  (fat really is an ugly word, I had a hard time even typing it)  All this to say, that I'm welcoming the unsettling.  I want God to stir my spirit, my heart, my desires...to crave more of Him, less of myself, and focus my heart on the life He wants for me.

I hope that as you read this or follow my journey that you'll be led to ask for the same... an unsettled spirit that won't let you waste the precious life you've been given.

Thought for Day 1: Made to Crave
Unsettle me in the best kind of way.  I know that when I allow You to reach those secret places in my soul that have been hidden for far too long - suddenly I feel renewed and the fresh wind You breathe over me lifts me up, and I can't look back.

New Beginnings

Hillary and I picking up our race packets @ the Virginia Beach Convention Center

Hills & I ready for the race to start!

                                                                                    The medal :) 

There's nothing quite like a race... March 17, 2012 marks the first one I did in honor of my step-mom Susan.  In July of 2011, she was diagnosed with a glioblastoma multiforme brain tumor.  She had surgery to remove as much of the tumor as they could but it resulted in a loss of speech and comprehension. The time since then has revolved around rehabilitation, therapy, and a lot of tears.  She's a fighter; determined and resolved to do what is necessary.  There are hard days...there are awful days...but she always comes back.  My dad has demonstrated amazing strength and devotion in these last few months as he has been her constant.  He took an earlier retirement than he had planned but knows he won't regret it... time spent with family is always worth it!

So this is how my race-life got its start.  I wanted to do something to honor Susan's fight, to raise awareness for this illness and to feel like I could be a part of her journey even though I wasn't living it with her in the day-to-day.  I signed up for this 8k back in August and did a practice 5k in December.  I've had amazing support from friends and family and it has made all the difference. 

Several friends have asked for the race story...they know this wasn't an easy one for me :) I dealt with a lot of foot and ankle pain over the last few months, resulting in a lot less running than I had planned, but none-the-less, I finished! So here's how it all went down...

Hillary (one of my dearest friends...and also a coworker) had done the 5k with me and agreed to do this 8k with me also.  This time though, she was going to run it at her own pace and I'd do mine.  It resulted in a lot of alone time and a lot of Adele playing on my iPod :) We joked in the pre-race corral that we'd be writing her thank-you letters for getting us through the concrete miles.  We stretched, jumped around, danced and sang... much to the dismay of our neighbors I'm sure lol  

We saw quite a few shirts that made us laugh.... "You're passing a pregnant woman", "Race Offical: Do NOT Pass", etc.  We also saw a few interesting, if not disturbing (man in a full body spandex) costumes, as it was St. Patrick's Day.  You can imagine there was a sea of green and loooooooots of shamrocks.  

The crowd began to move and our corral moved forward.  It took a few minutes before we actually made it to the starting line but then we were off.  I probably ran for the first half-mile or so before I had to stop with foot/ankle pain.  Now granted, the walking wasn't comfortable but it was manageable.  Around Mile 1 I saw Dad and Susan on the sideline and made my way over for a quick wave and kiss before I walked on.  The next mile and a half was breezy but comfortable.  A short turn down 2nd Street and we were on the boardwalk...the most beautiful location for a race!!! If you've never really spent time down here you've gotta come around this time of year.  There was a huge stretch of sand and then the ocean...miles and miles of clear blue sky and sunshine. Need I say more? :)

I saw Dad and Susan again at about Mile 2.5 and I grabbed another quick kiss, not realizing that Susan was wanting to check on me.  I had my music going so I was a little startled when she ran up beside me and grabbed my hand... I had to choke back a few tears, as I could tell she was a little emotional but then we just walked, hand-in-hand for about a half mile while Dad video taped us.  It was a very special moment... Can't replace those!

I hit Mile 3 just after the pier and was having to motivate myself to push a little harder, trying to keep my pace.  That's when the really weird "I think I might throw up" feeling hit me.  Now I'll admit, that's my own fault lol  I had crazy nerves that morning and wasn't able to eat more than a few grapes...I tried, but it wasn't happening.  So inevitably, my stomach got angry at me and decided to make itself known.  I managed to work through the nauseousness and made it to Mile 4.  Now, I realized that I would see the finish line before I as actually there b/c of the way the route was laid out.  I had to pass it, cross over to the next street, walk several blocks and then double back on the boardwalk.  Seeing that finish line and then having to walk in the opposite direction was pure T.O.R.T.U.R.E!!!  We actually had to walk back through the Starting arch (which was just plain mean) and then continue on...making me wonder if I was going the right direction :) but others were still continuing so it made sense just to keep going.

I tried running a few times throughout the race but didn't make it very far.  So after Mile 4, when I was beginning to feel a little woozy and just wanting to be DONE....I just walked as fast as I could b/c I wanted....to stop.... moving lol  That last stretch on the boardwalk, with the Finish line in sight was very telling.  For some reason, it didn't seem to be getting in closer but I knew I just had to keep going.  (You know, there are a lot of life-lessons when completing a race, but I'll get to that later.)  There was one woman in front of me that I had kept in my sights during the last few miles and I wasn't going to let her get away from me :) so I jogged a few steps, walked and caught up to her...smiled...and trudged on past. Whew!  I was tempted to try and run across the finish line but I'll be honest, I didn't have it in me.  So I kept it simple and walked across with a big smile; hearing the announcer say my name as I approached.  

Now I've noticed that there's this procession of people following the Finish line.  The first ones have your medals, and those that follow hand you all kinds of goodies from cookies and granola bars, to water and medical attention.  I was tempted to stop at that last one :) So it feels like a forever mile to just get through them but eventually I made it to a place where I could get my phone out and try to find someone I knew lol I looked up and saw Hillary coming towards me...Never been happier to see her!!! She gave me a big hug and I told her I needed Gatorade... ASAP! We worked our way into the finishers tent and grabbed some yummy beef stew and I bought a few drinks.  We made it back outside to eat/drink, but I still wasn't ready to eat so I just sipped on the Gatorade even though I was tempted to chug it.  I was likely dehydrated but we avoided any catastrophes.  Live and Learn.

We made contact with Dad and Susan, they weren't able to make it back to he finish line in time to see me cross but they were able to get to the car and have it ready for us. I have never been so happy to see a vehicle in all my life :)  

While the actual race wasn't terribly eventful I do have a few memorable moments...

5)Being passed by an amputee

4)Passing a VERY pregnant lady

3)Being beaten by a WWII veteran... KUDOS to him!

2)Determining that 'granny', as I affectionately call her, would not get the better of me (and I passed her at Mile 2)

1)Sharing a few steps with Dad and Susan between Miles 2 and 3

I know this one seems like a monstrous post but this was the exceptional first post after a race.  Many of the ones to follow will focus on my weight-loss journey but will include the training and beginning of a lot of new things.  I welcome the support and the encouragement of friends, family, and even strangers.  

We've all got a path to follow, sometimes it's a little rocky, and other times it's pretty smooth.  Bottom line, you might get there in an instant or you may be on a "long way around" ... just don't give up.  You get there eventually.  Heaven knows I've done a lot of things the "long way".  

Running the race...

Kristin

If you would like to contribute to my fundraising efforts, in support of my step-mom's fight, please follow this link, click "Support a Runner" and make a donation to the American Brain Tumor Association in my name: Kristin Garman

http://hope.abta.org/site/TR/ABTAEvent/RUNNINGTEAM?fr_id=2290&pg=entry